Short Story--"Culinary Savages"--A funny view on alien/human interaction

Culinary Savages

By Royce Sears

“Order, Order, this meeting will come to order. Let the record show the Galactic Council for Species Acceptance met on this 23rd day of the month of Yarvost to discuss the planet known as Earth. Speaker Relnak, you have visited the planet most recently, please enlighten us with your studies of the indigenous sentient lifeforms."

Speaker Relnak approached the podium, cleared his throat and smacked his thick, full lips together in preparation for the delicate articulation required by the approved interspecies language. "Ladies, gentleman, various transgendered species, ungendered plant life, and of course our newest, and esteemed, fungal friends of the Muscida system. I welcome you to the Galactic Council for Species Acceptance meeting to discuss the recently discovered sentient species on the planet known as Earth." Speaker Relnak paused, breathing deeply before continuing, "The indigenous species on Earth call themselves Humans, and they have developed sufficient technology to have established minimal intra-solar system travel. They have sent unmanned probes to their neighboring planets, and manned missions to their satellite moon. However, as we all know, the development of a species cannot be judged by their technological developments alone. We must consider their culinary acumen, as this has proven to be more indicative of the species' level of development. And this, my friends, my colleagues, is where the species known as Humans is an atrociously barbarian race. Indeed, Humans are an affront to the galaxy as a whole."

Such strong words, having rarely been uttered in a meeting for the Galactic Council for Species Acceptance, brought shocked gasps of disbelief from the assembled members. The council's president tapped his gavel, "Order please, Order please. Speaker Relnak, please elaborate."

"I intend to, Mr. President. The Human's first affront is a product they call, cheese. Cheese is a dairy product first of all, if that wasn't bad enough. Secondly, and most egregiously offensive, they introduce bacteria; bacteria mind you, into this dairy product and then allow it to colonize in controlled conditions to produce this substance they call cheese. They produce it in many, hundreds even, of different textures and flavors. There are, of course, other instances of similar products wherein they utilize a similar procedure to produce bacteria laden consumables, but the cheese is the most offensive, by far. Additionally, I must point out another disturbing practice which will be especially disturbing to our newest fungal members of the council. Humans consume enormous quantities of a fungal species, known as mushrooms. They even combine the cheese and mushrooms, what I personally consider to be travesty, on a product known as pizza! They grow vast numbers of this fungal species, keeping them in captivity, to finally harvest, prepare, and consume."

The tall, mushroom-like, fungal beings puffed a cloud of spores into the atmosphere of the room. The spores entered into the olfactory senses of the assembled members, then transmitted directly into the communication centers of their brains, via the olfactory nerves. The message translated as, "We demand the wholesale destruction, complete speciocide of the human race. We cannot allow this unconscionable behavior to continue. "

The President rose, replacing Speaker Relnak at the podium. "Very well then, the motion has been moved. We shall appoint a special committee to discuss the potential speciocide of the human race, based on these senseless acts of barbarism. Speaker Relnak, please assemble your committee and report your committee's findings at the next monthly meeting. This meeting is adjourned."

As everyone filed out of the meeting chamber, talking casually amongst themselves, the President spoke again. “Speaker Relnak, please join me for a moment more.”

“Yes, Mr. President?”

“Do you feel strongly enough about the barbaric nature of this species, based on the evidence, to exterminate them?”

“Yes sir, I do. They are a most barbaric culture, and will only cause havoc if they ever get off their little world.”

“Very well then, you are authorized to deploy the Environmental Destabilizer. Turn the planet into an oven, just like we did to the second planet in that system. Let us not talk of Earth again, but be sure to find a suitable distraction before the next meeting.”

“Yes Sir,” Speaker Relnak said with a salute to the President, “The Humans will be eradicated, sometime within the next two-hundred years.”

THE END